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Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Liberty Mountain Declares Independence From US


LYNCHBURG, VA---Nestled within the rolling hills of Central Virginia lies a small city by the name of Lynchburg. Nestled with the rolling hills of Lynchburg lies one of the most popular, if not THE most popular and largest Christian universities to date: Liberty University.


Liberty University gained national headlines earlier this week when Chancellor Jerry Falwell Jr. gave notice to the US government and Virginia that Liberty Mountain and, by extension, Lynchburg were declaring themselves autonomous and free from control by the country and by the state.


"We have our bottled water," the Chancellor said, "Our own police force which is credited as one of the most elite in the country, a Wal-Mart, and a bookstore. What more do we need? This will allow us to govern our students with as much freedom as we need and to use our discretion in what is imported on campus."


Although they have already been told that this move is probably unlikely to be allowed, moods are optimistic on campus. One student says, "I've always wanted to live in another country, but I never wanted to deal with other people. This is perfect! I'm now a Falwellian!"


Other students are thinking about larger issues. "What kind of government will we have? How will this work?", Brian Smith asks.


Ergun Caner, presidential hopeful says, "In accordance with Liberty doctrine candidates will be voted in every other year. We will have bi yearly votations"---Election is a buzz word NOT used or associated with Liberty theology or politic---"and 'whosoever will' may run."


When asked about immigration and university acceptance policies, Ergun was quoted as saying, "We're really hoping that people want to join our commune. Everyone will be accepted. We try not to make our standards so high that people who want to join can't. Also, once you join, we keep you here." he said with a chuckle, "Seriously, though. LUPD won't let you leave once you're accepted."


We will keep you up to date as this situation unfolds.

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